Gratitude: Week One

School started on Wednesday, with much fanfare and a little singing.  Back to school is like my 'New Years,' so this year I am going to try and post five things I am thankful for each week.  Thanks to my co-worker Dorian for her inspiration.
Here is my list for this week:
1. Flexible Seating- My school is reimagining classroom spaces.  Over the summer new mobile tables with white board tops, as well as chairs and stools that allow students to wiggle were delivered to the classroom.  As I arranged the furniture for the start of school, I wasn't sure if it was too big or I had ordered too much.  This Friday, as the students worked on a large scale drawing of themselves, it was great to be able to pop up all five tables allowing the kids to spread out.  At the end of the day, all of these tables nested neatly into a stack in our classroom library.  Way different than the rows of static desks in my day.  My eyes are firmly open to this change. (pictures to come)
2. Co-Teaching- First off, I have the best teaching team.  Sara has been teaching second grade at our school for more than 15 years, and Emily looped with the now second graders, having been in their first grade classes last year.  Each of us coming from such a different teaching background just makes it that more rich for our students.  Add that to dividing the workload and combining the students into a single large class at least once a day, what a rich experience they will be getting.  I am energized for the year ahead.
3. Lunch- At school they provide lunch every day.  It is generally healthy, mostly organic and has variety.  With our current kitchen remodel, having a great lunch to rely on is so helpful.  And when there are leftovers, chef will make me a togo box.  So nice!
4. Chemotherapy- I know this one is weird, but, think backwards with me.  If chemo didn't exist, think about what my fate would have been.  Not pretty.  I started back to work full time on Wednesday, doing the thing I love most, spending the day with children.  If not for chemo, I would not be there, teaching every day.
5. Naps- With so much fun and excitement this week, I have enjoyed napping this weekend.  Glad that sleep helps with my stamina so much.

Now onto another great week ahead!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Well hi there, how are you?  Glad you are still here!

I've been thinking about the blog lately and realizing that it is still something I want to keep up with.  The focus, like my life, is shifting.  So what have I been up to?  Well, here ya go.

Birthday Dog

Ernie turned 15 two weeks ago, and I think he might have gotten more birthday greetings than I did.  I'm not jealous, just love my remarkable friends and family for loving my pup.  He is certainly showing his age more and more.  While we were visiting Shac's family at Passover, he had some sort of accident.  After loosing two teeth, spending several weeks in a cone for an eye ulcer and on pain meds for a spine injury, he is still with us.  We love this little old man, and feel fortunate for the time we continue to have with him.

Current Kitchen Progress

Betty

All summer Shac and I worked with designers to remodel our kitchen.  After blueprints, weekly meetings, picking out finishes, and several refrigerators on Tuesday they started demolishing the kitchen that has been in our house since 1944.  It comes with mixed emotions.  We are excited for the enlarged floor plan combining our kitchen and laundry room into one and also our dishwasher.  At the same time my heart sinks at the thought that I kicked out a beautiful 1940's O'Keefe and Merritt stove, still in working order.  Betty, as I call her, is beautiful and large, getting a more spatially conscious stove allows us to have a more modern kitchen.  So until November, we have no kitchen.  Which means no baking.  I bet I loose a few pounds.

We didn't travel this summer.  This means I had time to rest and recuperate.  Though I finished chemo about 10 months ago, I really only started feeling like I had all of my stamina back around fourth of July.  That is when I started going for walks every day.  I'm up to three miles a day now!  I feel great, ready for these second graders in two weeks, or at least I hope.

My Second Grade Teaching Team!

Speaking of those second graders, here is the work update!  Four years ago I started working at an amazing school.  I had been hired as a long term substitute in October and ended up finishing out the school year.  The following year, I was going to be coming back, but ended up with the cancer diagnosis.  Last winter, after finishing chemo I started back as a substitute and ended up filling a maternity leave.  On Wednesday, September second, I will have my very first FIRST day of school on campus.  This group of people have seen me at my best and worst, and helped me through the most challenging crisis I can ever imagine.  I am thrilled to have a continuing position with them, and I cannot wait to meet my students!  I've been preparing for them all summer.

Back to School is like my New Years, a time for reflection and goal setting.  I was inspired by a friends Facebook post a few months back when she posted a list of ten things she was grateful for.  Over the past two years I have had a lot to complain about, and yet I tried to stay positive and be thankful for what I still had in life.  

So expect to see gratitude in the coming blog posts.  Maybe The Year of Yes leads into The Year of Grateful.

Returning to your past

There are so many quotes about returning to a place you have once loved to see how you yourself has changed.  This weekend, I had that opportunity, as I went back to Oregon for my college reunion.

But let's back up for a moment.

Last winter, 2013-14, I was in the deepest part of my cancer treatment.  There were days I didn't want to get out of bed, I was cold, it hurt to move and I felt weak.  I tried to sleep as much as possible so as to not remember this awful time in my life.  I cried a lot, because I could not control the things around me and did not feel like myself at all.  I was afraid I was losing who I was.

Me in 'The Infant Phenomenon' 1999

Sandy, The IP, and I 2015

Knowing I was not well, two of my professors decided that they would brave the worst snowstorm Oregon has seen in the past ten years to visit me while they were in the Bay Area seeing a show for the American College Theatre Festival.  Sandy and Joseph were both my professors at UO.  Joseph taught a variety of technical, design and acting classes, while Sandy was our resident costume design maven.  The brought me a care package full of duck gear, custom sock monkey and turban made to the specifications we had learned in TA212.    Sandy and Joseph acted as my surrogate parents in my four years at Oregon, at times either consoling, encouraging or putting me in my place.  I am so grateful to them always for gently encouraging all of us to be our best. Seeing them lifted my spirits and made me determined to attend their retirement party announced for the spring of 2015.

Jack and I, pre-London 2000.

Last summer, another one of my professors, Jack Watson, passed away.  He had taken a group of us theatre kids to London every two years for a few decades.  Jack was a tough love personality.  His demeanor made you want to prove him wrong.  My freshman year he was also diagnosed with cancer, so when I received my diagnosis ten years later, I felt an even stronger connection to him.  He was one of the first people to comment on my posts and send me encouragement from a far during those first dark days.  When we heard of his passing many of us joined a Facebook group to grieve together.  We all wanted a way to celebrate his memory together and share his love of life.

Me and Katie, 2015

Katie and I, Graduation 2003

Then someone had the bright idea of having a reunion.  We had a few excuses to see each other, two retirements, and a memorial to have, we had best get together.  So luckily they made it happen.  Five decades were represented at the University Theatre on Saturday, around 150 guests.  This is impressive as I graduated one of about 25 students in 2003.  We celebrated the best ways we know how, drinking at Rennie's (our favorite bar), and seeing a show (directed by Joseph and designed by Sandy of course).  In the afternoon, Sandy delivered a eulogy hi-lighting all of Jack's work at the university.  He had started as a graduate student, become a professor, and department head.  He was an actor and director.  He took hundreds of us to London and bailed a few of us out from the brink of disaster.  One of the most moving moments of the weekend was hearing Jack's partner Rick thank all of us for making him who he was.  Truly, Jack was who he was because Rick was always by his side.  It was just a one day event, flanked on either side with travel and nostalgic romps around Eugene with friends I hadn't seen in far too long.

One of my favorite parts of the weekend was seeing friends that I had made 15 years ago as a freshman.  Growing up in Cupertino, I had graduated from high school with the same kids I went to kindergarten with.  So in a lot of ways the friends I made freshman year of college were my first friends.

Graduation 2003 Me and Wayne

Wayne and I, 2015

Wayne, from Boring, Oregon, and I met and IntroDUCKtion-the preview days the university has during the summer before your freshman year.  We instantly clicked as we had done many of the same shows in high school.  When I thought he was going to ask me out about a month into school he did break my heart a little by instead telling me he was gay, but the fact he shared this incredibly honest fact about himself with me for the first time has bonded us for life.  As we are now both cancer survivors too, our connectedness exists on an other worldly level.  My heart was full to bursting just at the sight of him.

Andrew and I, 2015

Andrew and I, senior year 2003

I was also part of a Freshman Interest Group, or FIG.  A group of about 25 freshman took several classes together around a central theme their first term so they could meet people with similar interests and borrow notes.  FIG 8 Understanding Images allowed us to explore the arts in interesting ways, with an acting class, two dimensional art and film class.  I met Andrew and Robin, two of the tallest guys I've ever known.  Andrew and I were in our first play together in college and as sophomores traveled to London with Wayne and Jack.  Robin walked with me to class every morning freshman year and was one of the first people to dye my hair purple.

Me and Robin, freshman year 1999

Wayne, Me and Robin, 2015

Seeing these boys and so many of my favorite faces this weekend filled my heart in the most amazing way.  We became who we are in the halls of Villard hall together.  We made the same bad mistakes at Rennie's and helped each other through the consequences.  To reconnect as adults and share our successes and troubles now and then keeps us tied together.  I am so thankful to have had this weekend and am not interested in waiting another fifteen years for the next one!

Jacks Memorial Garden 2015

Jacks Memorial Garden is just to the left hand side, by the box office, of the Lobby of the Miller Theatre Complex at The University of Oregon.  Jack's ashes help to give life to these flowers that blume in purple and lavender in the spring and fall.  Each time I visit campus, I'll spend a few moments with him.

The Sorority of Bald Women

Amanda, Bobbi, Laura, Lizbeth, Amelia-this one is for you.

July 2013

Pre Chemo(with Jen, my stylist), August 2013

There is an unspoken bond when we see each other.  An automatic hello, wave and look of understanding.  Sometimes followed by a hug, definitely lengthy conversation.  We are all natural best friends.  Outsiders have asked me, 'How do you know her?'  'Someone from the hospital?'  when I talk to them in public.  My responses are, 'I don't, we've just met,' or 'No, just a new friend.'  We are The Sorority of Bald Women, a club we never wanted to belong to, but are proud to welcome each other to when we meet.

Losing my hair was harder on me than I thought it would be.  I was never one of those girls who tied her worth to her hairstyle.  Both my mother and mother in law had hair down to their knees when they were my age, and took much pride in their flowing manes.  My locks are fine, littered with cowlicks, and do not hold a curl.  I was always quite satisfied to stuff it into a ponytail.  When I got diagnosed with cancer, they told me to cut it short so it would be more manageable when it fell out.  I did, it was fun to have a mohawk, even for a short while.  When it started to fall out, I felt ugly.  It was patchy.  It started to look very gray as my scalp showed through.   This is when I stopped taking pictures.  

Hair falling out, October 2013

Feeling ugly, October 2013

Pumpkin Hat, from Katie, November 2013

People suggested wigs, hats and scarves.  To protect myself from the sun I obliged, but wearing a hat for a year and a half cramped my style.  I felt like I needed to coordinate my outfit to my hat.  Though the gift hats and scarves piled in, choosing what you wear is personal, just like the clothes you pick out.  There were a few I loved and wore a lot.  Again, anything you have to do for a lengthy time gets old.  I missed my hair, my fine, cow-licked, ponytail foddered hair.  I missed clipping it back with those tiny colorful clips I've used since high school.  I missed burning my temples trying to curl it unsuccessfully.  I missed the amazing streak of purple that gave me that edge I always wanted.

Mouse Ears, February 2014

April 2014 

I didn't ever wear a wig.  Odd, given my theatrical background, I know how to make wigs.    Wigs take so much maintenance.  They are itchy, and synthetic ones can be easily damaged, not to mention they are expensive.  It just didn't feel natural, I wasn't playing a part, I was me.

Last Day of Chemo! October 2014

MLB Playoffs, October 2014

Being in The Sorority of Bald Women takes strength.  Not just to endure the chemo and treatments we are dealing with, but the social stigma.  Little kids and strangers look at bald women then look away.  We don't get asked if we need help from retail employees, we feel invisible.  Outsiders see us as damaged. Why don't they do this to bald men?  It is just my opinion, but I think being a bald women is harder than being a bald man.  Our femininity is gone, not just due to our nonexistent hair, but the androgyny we feel going through treatment.  Hormones and general stamina keep us from having the energy to feel pretty.  Our identity is altered.

January 2015

Growing in, December 2014

We greet each other and act like best friends because we are going through something you know nothing of.  Cancer is rough on anyone that receives a diagnosis, don't get me wrong boys I know it is hard on you too.  To be a thriving young woman one minute, and an androgynous medical experiment the next really makes you evaluate your self worth.

So please, the next time you see a bald woman do me a favor, smile.  Say hello, tell her you like her shirt, nails, or handbag.  She is fighting a battle you are glad you are not in.  Women are beautiful, not because of what they look like on the outside, but because of the kindness of their hearts and quality of their character.

April 2015

Year of Yes

October 21, 2014

Today was a perfectly normal day.  I went to brunch with my girlfriends and talked life stuff over mimosas, then a few of us went across the street and shopped a bit.  Afterwords I went home, took a nap, and watched some Downton Abbey.  This evening Shac and I used an old gift card and enjoyed a dinner at Nola in Palo Alto, then we strolled around University Avenue.  It was a great day.

Funny, because five months ago today I finished chemo.

In the past five months I have slept, healed, grown, eaten (a little too much), traveled, loved, laughed, WORKED, drove, hiked, swam, gone to hockey games, had a birthday, watched plays, rode roller coasters, gone ice skating, rode in a plane and most importantly lived, just LIVED my life.

For me 2015 is the Year of Yes.  Since 2014 was a year in which I heard so very many no's, I determined about this time last year that this would be the year of yes.  A year in which I did all of the things I was not allowed or able to during my cancer treatment.

On January 17th I kicked off this Year of Yes at a blow out party.  I think I invited around 100 people, and about 70 showed up at our house.  It was all the supporters who took care of me this year, neighbors, friends, family, and my school.  It was amazing to share this success with them, as I truly could not have done with without them.  It was crowded, and wonderful.  I even made a bingo card full of the things I plan to do this year, I will try to figure out how to post it.

March 21, 2015

I've been on a few trips.  I went to Disneyland with my family and Shac and I also went to Maui.  Both trips were fun in very different ways, one high energy and the other very relaxing.  I still have drs appointments, but they are monthly rather than weekly, or daily.  Generally I feel good, and am still working a little on my stamina.

The biggest change is work.  I am back at work!  I can't believe it.  When I started feeling better, I got in contact with my school and started subbing.  Then my boss told me that there would be some maternity leaves happening in the spring and could I take them over.  Without much thought, I said yes.  So now I am teaching kindergarten, and co-directing the third grade plays.  Life is as it should be.



Have your own Year of Yes.  Don't let anything hold you back, just live it!

Orange October

As I waited to go for my last round of chemo I was kept company by a remarkable time in bay area sports.  

The San Francisco Giants entered the play offs in the wild card position.  This means their record wasn't quite good enough to earn a playoffs birth, yet there they were.  My friend Chris has season tickets and though he sells off the regular season tickets, keeps the playoff tickets closer by.  Sometimes as a season ticket holder he gets invited to special events like wine tastings, or player meet n greets.  This time he got invited to help unfurl the American Flag.  This flag is so big it takes up the entire outfield, and Chris had two tickets.  This leads us to Tuesday.  On Tuesdays, people work and go to school.  They are not available to go to a baseball game at 1:05, ya know, unless they are just waiting to go to the hospital for cancer treatment.  So before I could accept Chris's generous invitation, I had to clear it with my doctor.  Unfortunately, It was a week where I was getting fluids each day for two hours.  When I informed my nurse that I would not be available Tuesday as I was going to the playoffs game, and onto the field to unfurl the flag she couldn't say no and asked if he had any other tickets.  She then told me to wear sunblock and drink plenty of water.  So I got to go!

Chris met me at the train station, and then we walked to the stadium just a few blocks away.  We had to arrive at a specified breezeway about two hours before the game to learn what to do, this flag was humongous!  The people in charge of us explained that once we got onto the field what would happen, and how to walk quickly and release the flag slowly.  If we fell, find a way and appropriate time to get up, we laughed at the possibility.  Then we were all outfitted in matching shirts and lead out onto the field.  

I'm on the field!

Walking out onto the field I was reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies Fever Pitch, Jimmy Fallons character is obsessed with the Red Sox, and after Drew Berrymore's character walks across the outfield of Fenway Park he asks her, "The infield, is it spongy?"  yes, yes it is!  I was in awe as they introduced the starting lineups for both teams, the color guard came out and then the third base coach along with members of The Grateful Dead started singing the national anthem.  The it was time to follow our instructions.

As we started 'walking quickly and releasing the flag slowly,' someone began to run.  Around mid center field, I lost my footing trying to keep the pace.  I. Went. Down.  It was like a weird dream, I was flat on my stomach, mid center field of AT&T park, yet I had no baseball in my hand.  I couldn't get up, as large parachute type flag hovered just above my flattened self, I looked around to notice there were a few other people stuck under this huge flag too!  I was not the only one who fell!  We had to get out of from under the flag, so I started crawling toward the line of feet at the edge of the flag.  Luckily, just before we had gotten onto the field I had been admiring Chris's orange and black sneakers, so I could easily identify him and popped up just around 'And the banner yet wave.'  I had survived, and was there to wave the flag on cue, the show must go on after all. 


After the song the first pitch was thrown out by three members of the 1989 Giants team.  This was the team I knew like the back of my hand, they had also clinched the a spot in the NLCS as well.  One of the players was none other than Dave Dravecky, pitcher, and fellow cancer survivor.  Long time Giants fans will remember the devastation of Dave loosing his pitching arm to his tumor.  I was sad to only get to see him on the jumbo tron, as we were leaving the field as he was throwing the pitch (with his remaining arm).  Before we got to our seats, I asked every person working for the giants I cam across how I could meet Dave, showed them my vintage Dave Dravecky Day shirt I was wearing and explained my cancer treatment.  Unfortunately, nothing came of it, but it doesn't hurt to try.

The rest of the game was like magic to watch.  Steve Perry of Journey lead a singalong in the seventh inning, and the Giants went on to win in tenth inning. 

Orange October finished with a bang.  The third world series trophy in five years.  The parade was on Halloween and shut down San Francisco.  2015 should be quiet though, it is an even year.

Nurses Are the Nicest

Instead of thank you card or gifts for my medical staff, I have spent the past year composing a poem. I also made cupcakes and brought sparkling apple cider. Then I posted the poem on about ten feet of butcher paper by their break room door.  It's been fun to watch them stop and read each other's stanzas and giggle.

Nurses are the nicest,

Karen greets me at the desk.

She finds me the nicest room,

So I can get lots of rest.

Anne Higa helps with transfusions,

And unties my lines.

Since nurses are the nicest,

I can count on her anytime.

Nurses are the nicest,

Cesar answers all my calls.

And when patients really need it, 

He rushes to them through the halls.

Miradel's delightful,

She really is just that.

Nurses are the nicest,

Please give them the right hats.

Nurses are the nicest,

Brenda is so dear.

She is supportive and so thoughtful,

For my kidney she does cheer.

Liz pretends she's angry,

But really it's a game.

Because nurses are the nicest,

I'm glad she's in my life again.

Nurses are the nicest,

They like Disney too.

Lora Lee loves Mickey, Alice,

Buzz and Winnie the Pooh.

Hannah is Macgyver,

She can craft anything.

'Cause nurses are the nicest,

Who knows what her skills will bring.

Nurses are the nicest, 

They also have great appetites.

As long as Irene gets some muffins,

There won't be any fights.

Bre's a little mischievous,

She lets me put eyeballs on the tugs.

But since nurses are the nicest,

She's also great for hugs.

Nurses are the nicest,

They do medical stuff and more.

Darren always keeps me up to date,

Like when the Giants score.

Rolando is so jolly,

He's singing in the halls.

But since nurses are the nicest,

I don't mind the thinner walls.

Nurses are the nicest,

They are so sweet and kind.

Kawa is so friendly,

Her infusions I don't mind.

Mabel's the night ninja,

She medicates my dreams.

Because nurses are the nicest,

Through her whole shift I sleep it seems.

Nurses are the nicest,

Jessica is my chum.

We swap puppy pictures,

Makes me want another one.

Lily is so lovely,

She makes me feel at ease.

Because nurses are the nicest,

I feel so sad to leave.

Nurses are the nicest,

They hardly make a peep,

Isagani tiptoes in, 

To take my vitals as I sleep.

Paula is an angel,

She gently comforts all.

Because nurses are the nicest,

I search for her smile in the hall.

Nurses are the nicest,

They really are a kick.

Michelle is friendly and kind,

She dotes on everyone who's sick.

Kristy is my homegirl,

She takes good care of me.

These nurses are the nicest,

I can't believe I'm free!