Knowledge

"And I know things now,
many valuable things,
that I hadn't known before.

And though scary is exciting,
nice is different than good.

Isn't it nice to know a lot,
and a little bit, not."
--"I know things now", from Stephen Sondheim's Into the Woods

As I sit in the infusion center getting fluids to protect my kidney, I over hear the nurses discussing a patients orders.
Nurse T to Nurse J, "Why is it a stat order on this blood panel?"
Nurse J, "That's unusual."
Me, "I'm coming in at eight thirty tomorrow morning.  If I need blood, they want to make sure the orders are processed in time for the blood bank to process it for my early appointment tomorrow."
Nurse T, "Oh, that makes sense, thanks Wendy."
----
Ten months ago what I knew about cancer and hospital jargon was anecdotal.  Recently, people watching me go through this process have suggested I become a nurse after I finish treatment.  No.  I do not enjoy bodily fluids, that's why I don't teach kindergarten.  The knowledge I have gained about my treatment and subsequent hospital-isms astounds me.  I can interpret my own blood work, explain unusual orders to my nurses, change the settings on the pump that pushes fluids into my port (though I don't), and I laugh hospital humor.  What good with this knowledge do me in 'real life?' No idea, but in my current state, it is quite helpful.

Along with this information comes too much information.  My care team is large, though I have a primary oncologist, I see a team of six doctors on rotation in the hospital, 20 nurses and different nurses at each infusion center.  On top of which, there are the insurance company people, receptionists, and my amazing support system of family and friends.  I am constantly inundated with getting new information and in my efforts to be a good patient, and make it easier for my medical team, I am trying my best to follow all of the instructions and suggestions.  Sometimes the information contradicts, other times it is hearsay.  It has been challenging to process all of this info, I need help to interpret it all correctly.

Recently, I've felt quite overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do.  Between chemo rounds, I now go to the infusion center at least twice a week (this week every day) for fluids and blood work. When you are exhausted and trying to feel better, you need time to rest, and I can't rest being at the doctor each day.  Coupled with necessary changes to my daily routine, diet, social life, it is really starting to take its toll on me.

With my new knowledge, work load, and treatment fatigue it is just getting more challenging. It has been an emotional round.  Heck, what I am going through isn't easy, I didn't expect it to be.  There have always been and will continue to be unexpected changes to my treatment and schedule.    My sister wisely reminds me that they say 'practicing medicine' as it is something different for each specific patient and case.  I try to be as patient and understanding as I can be, but it is a lot to take on.  

Round ten has been an informative round.  Challenging both physically and emotionally.  The time I spend between chemo sessions will need to get longer to protect my kidney (Reggie) and allow my bone marrow to replenish my blood.  Shac helped me realize that my goal isn't to finish treatment as fast as possible, but to preserve my health for the rest of my life.  It is a learning process.  Moving through this slowly is still progress.